Sisters & Friends

Several years ago a friend and I were taking some much needed time to catch up on one another's life. In the course of conversation she casually mentioned that her mom had passed away. In fact, she stated it so nonchalantly that I responded in like manner.  My "I'm sorry to hear that" reply went out, and we continued on with the discussion of other events. I had no thought or clue that her casual tone was masking her inner pain.

Earlier this year she and I had the opportunity to revisit that conversation.

When we had that first conversation, my friend's family lived on the east coast while she lived 3000 miles away, on the west. She had flown home to assist her father in caring for her ailing mother, who was rapidly declining. She witnessed her mother's passing, and stayed there until her return to California was imperative. Returning meant jumping back into the swing of things, which included two children and a myriad of other responsibilities at home and work. In her mind, our time together was a way of escaping her world. It was not a time to invite me into the chaos of her misery. When she mentioned her mother's death, my response was what she expected it would be.  Knowing that my mother was still alive, she didn't expect me to understand what she was experiencing. She silenced her grief so as not to make me uncomfortable with the anguish she was feeling. When she briefly referred to her mother's passing as if it was a non-momentous occurrence, she thought she was doing both of us a favor.

There's a section in my book entitled "Assessing Reality". There, I asked the question, How are you? I also addressed the need we have to be Fine, Better, Back to Normal...etc after our mothers have passed.  "As women, we are traditionally the nurtures, caregivers, counselors, and planners.  We often find it difficult to give ourselves permission or opportunity to step away from our roles for an extended time, even when we hurt." With Her & Without Her pg. 88  It's as if we're searching for an end to grief by making it an insignificant part of life. In reality, we may feel unequipped to handle what life has thrown at us.  It is important to know that when our mothers passed away, we automatically became a part of a world wide sisterhood.  We belong to a chain of women who have lost the most significant key to who we are and who we will be.

Although I was not a part of that chain of sisters when my friend's mom died, I was all she had. 3000 miles separated her from her family, and she needed a sister. The problem was, she tried to mask her grief.  Leaving her everyday environment and taking time for herself was a wise choice, but it's important to remember that escaping doesn't make the pain go away. There are occasions during grief recovery that we need to be available to our own feelings. Being available to our own feelings means  letting go of our need to keep our emotions on lock down. It may mean letting someone else in on our pain. After all, a burden shared is a burden divided.

I believe it is important that we look for those teachable moments in life. As women who have experienced the loss of our mothers, we have the opportunity to touch the lives of those who are links in this chain of sisters as well as those who are not. Talking about our loss, our pain and the desire to regain normalcy could very well provide just the needed insight for a woman who is yet to experience that same kind of grief.

We do not all grieve the same way.  Nor do we all have the same desire or need to talk about our grief and the emotions that accompany it. It's therefore vital that we participate in healthy grief so that we can rediscover what normal feels like. Normal does not negate our loss, on the contrary, it will help us embrace it.