I received a heart-wrenching email last week. It was written in response to my book, With Her & Without Her. The sender began the email by saying that the book stirred a lot of emotions in her. She wrote a beautiful letter, however, it wasn't about the book, it was about her life. It was about a childhood filled with pain and heartache. It was a letter about a little girl who loved her mother so much that in spite of the emotional and physical abuse, she did whatever a child could do to help and protect her mother. The letter described the child's anguish upon witnessing her mother being brutally beaten, and later the teenager who cleaned her alcoholic mother's vomit off the apartment stairwell. The email takes a brief sigh of relief when she recalls riding the bus every weekend to visit her grandmother, where she found safety and love.
The question that rings in my head is, how do those children survive? What does it do to a child's heart, her self-worth, and her love for others when the person who is supposed to shelter and protect her is her abuser or else turning a blind eye to another abuser? I can't say that I understand the psychology of it all. I don't know how children survive, sometimes even thrive later on in life, but I know it happens. I also know that there is guilt associated with being abused. Children are often told "You asked for it", when "it" is the thing they most fear. I know that it is often the case that the abused has to bury the memories of the past, so that they can see a future life. Often that burial means walking away from the parent who did not physically hurt them, but did nothing to rescue them. Sometimes life with her has to end in order for without her to begin.
The young lady who wrote the email is an example of an adult child who has to live without her mother although her mother is alive. That does not mean she no longer loves her mother. On the contrary, living without her could be the best way to express her love. While it may be controversial, it is important to understand that a toxic environment does not foster health and growth. If healing is to happen, it must happen in the heart of the abused.
In addition, there are often feelings of grief that must be worked through. The abused may grieve the loss of the mother they never had. There may be anger, guilt, depression, trust, and self-esteem issues that plague adult children of abusers. There are support groups like Al-Anon, Families Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics who have trained counselors ready to assist adult children of alcoholic, drug addicts and other abusers.
I applaud the young lady who wrote the email. I believe reaching out is an enormous step to recovering and reclaiming her life. To her and to millions like her I quote the weeping prophet who said,
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I will remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion. Therefore I will wait for Him."
Lamentations 3:19-24
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